Glare. The truly lovely @sangdulait and I caught by the super talented @danimuze
And when you call, I'll give you every inch of rope that you ask for, And watch you fall, As it pulls around your own throat, I resolve, (Fracture every blame like you,) To watch you kick, and watch you throe, (And name every sin,) And I will note, (Rapture came to name virtue,) Where you stand, is hollow, (And yours wasn't within.) I will capture every frame of you, Twisting in the wind, And I will go, Home, And sleep, Like a baby. Mindblowingly surgically perfect photograph by the ultra-talented @danimuze The model with me is the super kind-hearted, enigmatic and loveable @sangdulait Shout out to everyone's best buddy @svlt.stains for connecting me to these two beautiful souls and letting me fuck up your house.
Your boyfriend walked up to me pissed, And walked away bisexual. Photo by @kylejamespatrick
Dad's pissed. Photo by the homie @svlt.stvins
PART V of V There's an old quote I've taken with me over the years, and I heard it first so long ago that I cannot for the life of me remember where I heard it, or even if I'm remembering it accurately. But essentially: "Insanity and psychosis aren't wrong. Insanity and psychosis are perfectly normal responses of the human brain when subjected to very unhealthy stimuli." So again, you are not broken. You are not wrong. You are normal. You are responding perfectly reasonably to bad shit. You are allowed to feel horrible. Just remember that it passes. Be fucking kind to each other. No matter how experienced we are, we never truly can fully understand the pains of those around us. Remind your loved ones that they are loved. Hug them. Remind them that they can call upon you for help whenever needed. Express gratitude for their friendship. Tell them that you love them, because none of us escape this world alive, and, very easily, they can be gone tomorrow. You're going to be okay. Even if you're completely broken right now, you are normal and you are going to be okay. No matter how bad it feels, remember that it passes. It always passes. If you ever hold me to one thing that I have ever said ever it is that: IT. ALWAYS. GETS. BETTER. Again: You are going to be okay. I love you all. Hit me up if you ever need anything. I'm here for you. #RIPAugustAmes For Immediate Help Call 1-833-456-4566 Chat: http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/ Texting: 45645
PART IV of V It feels like this is everything and this is how it's going to be. They feel broken and stuck. No matter how much you try to intervene as an outsider, it seems like we are shouting positive-reassurement into a void. Now, you may be sitting there thinking "I've been depressed. I have been through these things and felt these things but I snapped out of it. They can too." Crab mentality aside, every human being is different. The emotional and cognitive tools we are armed with are often the result of luck and circumstances out of one's own control, such as the environment we were raised in. That, and some people physically have a smaller hippocampus than others, but we don't need to go down the neuroscience path too much. In short: Every person is different. Every person feels things differently. Every person's ability to deal with those feelings is different. Depression manipulates a person to think that the only relief is death itself. As fucked up as this sounds: This is normal. You are normal. If you feel like suicide is the only way out, you and your organs, and your neurochemical transmitters and receivers, and your brain, and your hormone release system are all working perfectly normal. Yes, it feels like shit. Yes, it's fucking agony that I wish not on even my worst enemy. But you're normal. Dysfunction isn't abnormal. You're not broken or weird. Dysfunction is the only logical response to fucked up, immensely disturbed, circumstances. You don't hit a person in the fucking head with a sledgehammer and ask why it didn't make them smarter. So why do we hold people to fucked up standards as if we are all the same person and expect them not to feel like shit? It's society that's fucked. Not you. You're fine. The world is a fucking horrible place that aims to chew us up and spit us out. And that's not even just a metaphor. Naive naturalists love to wax poetic about how much mother nature provides, but even out there in the tangible, natural, physical world - this Earth is not kind. CONTINUED ON NEXT POST... #RIPAugustAmes For Immediate Help Call 1-833-456-4566
PART III of V Of course, it is temporary because when you hurt yourself you're not actually changing the circumstances that caused the stress in the first place, so, unfortunately, the self-harm route becomes repetitive and addictive. (Note, that all mammalian stress responses are very similar, and this is the same reason why dogs who are mistreated and kenneled for too long lick themselves or chew themselves to the point of bleeding. Stress reduction. Self-harm exists in nature too.) Another thing about stress and depression that most people don't tell you about, is that they come with a cyclical grief and guilt. That does not mean grief and guilt that may have been reasons to contribute to the depression to begin with, but grief and guilt about the depression itself. The sufferer asks themselves why they are so deeply impacted by whatever induced this state, which adds to the worry and induces more stress. Sex, sleep, and appetite are negatively impacted, so other tiers of the sufferer's life such as family relations and performance at work become reminders that the sufferer is becoming a burden to those around them, or that they are failing themselves. Those who suffer depression often beat themselves up due to how depression is expected to be socially perceived, regardless of how supportive their social environment may be. It's repetitive. It's cyclical and self-sustaining. It's hell. Here's another thing about stress and depression that most people don't tell you about: Depression induces delusion. All of that guilt about not being well, and worry that you're not going to get better, gets the sufferer over- and under-interpreting facts to the point of distortion. This isn't melodrama. It's science. The cyclical stress of having been so deeply impacted by something - matter what it was - makes a person so hyper-analytical about themselves, their situation, their social standing, etc., that they often suffer a specific form of madness with their depression. It feels absolute. CONTINUED ON NEXT POST... #RIPAugustAmes For Immediate Help Call 1-833-456-4566
PART II of V There is a scale called "The Holmes-Rae Stress Inventory" that summarizes and grades the most stressful events humans can experience. Looking at them all, and very few are things are things we were forced to deal with during the hundreds of thousands of years in between "humans existing" and "inception of civilization, society, and technology". No mortgage debt. No cheating spouses. No job loss. No dopamine-draining social media addiction. No imprisonment. No car crashes. No divorce. No bullying. We will never know exactly what was going on through August's head and heart the moment that she took her own life, but considering the stigmas and troubles that adult performers are too often exposed to, and considering the events leading up to her passing, it's almost certain that they were ones brought on by social constructs. These are all very new things to us as a species, so our stress response systems are not properly wired to deal with them. The response your body is priming you for (specifically by releasing the stress-induced release of hormones called "glucocorticoids") is running away from the predator that's trying to eat you. The reason you lose sleep when you're stressed and depressed is because your body thinks it's time to run from a predator, not stop to sleep. The reason you lose appetite when you're stressed and depressed is because your body thinks it's time to run from a predator, not stop to eat. The reason you lose libido when you're stressed and depressed is because your body thinks it's time to run from a predator, not stop to fuck. The reason self-harm "works" as a temporary stress reliever, is because the same hormone that is released to tell your body "I have run as much as I could, my muscles have maxed out and ache, you can stop sending me stress hormones now" is the same hormone that is released from pain. The pain tells your body "I've exerted myself to the point of pain, we must be out of trouble if I am still alive", and you literally stop receiving the stress hormone that is priming your body. CONTINUED ON NEXT POST... #RIPAugustAmes For Immediate Help Call 1-833-456-4566
PART I of V I'm going to sound like a complete fucking nerd as I write this, but do know that wrote this with eyes full of tears. Suicide is something I have a lot of experience with, and despite the fact that what I am about to say seems unnecessarily over-analytical in a time of grieving - this is literally the shit that saved my own life and cope with the loss of others. I just found out from one of my friends in the industry that August Ames has taken her own life. I have been there. I know what it's like to think that ending it is the only answer. I know first hand how absolute real depression feels. But I will never know another person's pain. It's not something you can describe to someone else. And especially something you cannot describe to someone who hasn't hit rock bottom of a deep depression. You cannot blame them though because from the outside to someone who hasn't suffered severe depression, it looks like you're "choosing" to see everything negatively when in reality the very nature of deep depression alters the grid in which you view reality. This isn't an opinion. It's science. There is an amazing book about the science of stress and depression called "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers" by Dr. Robert M. Sapolsky. I feel like reading this book at the worst time in my life is what saved it. It's mostly about endocrinology, but it touches base on other scientific disciplines to show you how stress and depression truly work. Learning about the actual mechanisms of depression, stress and suicidal tendencies helped me deal with them. I'll try to keep this as concise as possible, but finding these things out helped save my science-loving ass, so I'm going to attempt to explain to you what made me think of all of this differently. Maybe it will help you understand as well, and maybe it will even save you too: Society and civilization and technology are very new things compared to how long humans have been around. Your biology is 100% almost exclusively wired to deal with "Oh shit! Some creature jumped out of the bush and tried to eat me!" as stressors. CONTINUED ON NEXT POST... #RIPAugustAmes For Immediate Help Call 1-833-456-4566
Today is my birthday. I feel really, really, really good. I just released a music video. Click the link in the profile to check it out. I hope you enjoy it.
THIS IS A TRAILER BUT THE ACTUAL VIDEO IS OUT NOW. Click the link in the profile!
Shout out to life for making me strong before making me happy. Photo by the notorious @kjpster inside a building that I used to spend all my free time inside of when I was a different person. Most favourite shirt I've ever owned by @thegoodsapparel Custom Bridge Burners Union hat by @lids Current favourite jacket by @onlyandsons_official
1.) Holy shit. Tour has been amazing. Every single one of you who helped put on a show, played at our shows, showed up to throw down (or showed up to give something new a try), threw all of your money at me for merch, and gave me a bed to sleep in: THANK YOU. There are far too many of you to list, and you know who you are. I love you all so much. Thank you for absolutely everything. I've never shared the stage with so much otherworldly talent night after night. I am both blessed and honoured to have turned many of you into friends. I can't wait to do it again. Speaking of which... 2.) I couldn't have asked for a better tour mate. Roach is a phenomenally loyal, professional, dedicated dude. This was my first tour as Wettworker and his first tour as Roach, and we had so much fun and it went so goddamn well that we just decided thaaaat... 3.) WE ARE GONNA DO IT AGAIN RIGHT AWAY! No joke. He and I are going to try to play all of your towns again (and all the ones we didn't) in a couple months, so if you can lend a hand booking, or promoting, or playing with us, or giving us a place to crash, SPEAK UP! We wanna get the ball rolling on this badboy ASAP! We know it's short notice but HOORAY FOR SPONTANEITY! And for this tour we decided that... 4.) WE ARE LOOKING FOR AN INDIVIDUAL TO JOIN US! Preferably someone professional, reliable, and with a drivers license to split the commute duties! All we ask is you help us set up, break down, hock merch while we're busy working, and make all the friends and memories possible! Do not inquire if you're a hedonistic waste case looking for an excuse to get fucked up abroad. Roach and Wettworker may be degenerates, but we're professional degenerates. Let us know if you're interested! 5.) I sold out of clear vinyl. The demand for this product has been so high that I am considering doing another limited run. Maybe a different style. Who would cop one? 6.) I want more merch for this next run. I operate a pin/button/magnet pressing business and am looking for trades. I'll lovingly hand press you merch in exchange for whatever merch you have at your disposal. I'm open minded. Get at me if you're interested! All of my love.
A very important artist and a massive inspiration to me as a rapper and producer has recently tragically passed away. I was secretly working with this artist when he received the worst news a doctor could give, and within the blink of an eye he was gone. His family and friends have reached out to me to conclude the piece we were working on when he passed, as they are currently setting up a non-profit charity in his name, and they hope to release our music together as a means to raise money for this charity in order to fund research for this disease and help others in the future. I am asking you to share this because I want to do this music justice. It has been produced and demo'd, but now needs to be properly recorded (just guitars, bass and drums), then mixed and mastered. I also need a drummer with experience in heavy music who wants to learn this song to record the live drums for it. No money will be made off of this project. You will be credited for your part in creating this, but you will not be paid. This is a 100% charity move. I'm calling all of you out: You want to make a difference? Put your money where your mouth is. Help bring this song to life. It's for an amazing cause by amazingly generous people in the name of a truly original, creative, inspiring artist's legacy. Your donated time and effort will raise money for research and relief in hopes to give people a second chance to live. I know lots of you have big fancy studios, but the key is finding one of you with a big enough heart to facilitate the proper recording and mixing of guitars and drums, and then mastering, all for free, in the name of fundraising for charity for a good cause. So again: 1.) We need to record guitars and drums. 2.) We need a drummer. 3.) We need an engineer to mix them and master them. 4.) And we need a studio to do all of this at. Experience in heavy music is a must. We are willing to travel. You will be properly credited and given an eternity of gratitude for your work. Thank you for your time. I'm excited to see who of you steps up to bat to help out on this. Much love. And again, please share this so I can ensure this project sees the light of day.
Friday in Vancouver. All ager rager featuring a carefully curated mix of hip-hop and hardcore. We will be going hella late. Presented by @bridgeburnersunion and @nyhlarecords and @luxury_ish250, we got @ajsuede coming up from the states, @livingmachinesinitiative from Kelowna, @vulturesbc and @eshe.nkiru and @josh_szirmay and @noliarsbc all from Victoria, and of course @Wettworker and @yerboiroach here from Van are kicking off for their tour! All at everyone's favourite underground bar, 333. See you then! https://www.facebook.com/events/225522611185214/?ti=as
Colossal gratitude post! The first leg of this @Wettworker tour with @yerboiroach was rad as fuck. Shout out @chasing_them_gainz for letting us shake the rust off, and thanks to Lou Danger & The Thrills for shredding with us. Thanks to Amber McGrath for facillitating our Nanaimo date, and thanks Dead Man's Trio for still being into playing with my various bands after ten years. Colossal shoutout to @vulturesbc for always being the dopest thing I've ever experienced on the island. It's an honour to share the stage with such hardworking, dedicated and dope sounding lads. Thank you for having me, boys. You deserve every ounce of success that is inevitably coming your way. Next, props to Neck of the Woods for absolutely decimating my face - I can't wait for our June 10th gig together. It's not fair how good you motherfuckers are. Tip The Scales and Parasitic Twin, you dudes slay as much as you all are friendly and awesome! Pleasure meeting you! Massive thanks to Kyle Hamlin and Dave from Rainbow Room for having us! The Atlas Project effortlessly blended so many genres together. I can see that band budding into a huge commercial success on day dude. I hope you blow up. And yo, holy shit: If MFDOOM produced greasier sounding bangers and had "Run The Jewels but opposite" (their words, not mine) on the mics, then you'd have Spellcasrers. Fuck yeah for dudes going hard on top of intentionally cheesy 80's vaporwave-esque beats. That was so much fun. Thank you all for letting me be a part of your weekend. I can't wait to rip stages with y'all again soon! And thanks to everyone who ate breakfast with me, gave me a bed to sleep on, hugged me, or put their mouth on mine! I love you all and wish I never had to leave. This weekend is gonna be fucking heavy too. On Friday we have the first annual DΞVF ℲLΞX Festival, featuring a carefully curated, hand-picked selection of hardcore, hiphop, post-punk and DJ's at everyone's favourite underground venue: https://www.facebook.com/events/225522611185214 And on Saturday we're in Kelowna with said hardcore/punk acts: https://www.facebook.com/events/1817118358538598/ See you this weekend! Photograph by the talented @lindseyblane
Hey Vancouver Island people. This weekend Wettworker and Roach are coming. I'm gonna invite y'all to these shows right meow so you can come and do what all the cool kids love to do: Threaten me with physical violence because your stupid ass cannot process context, the fact that language is easily manipulated, or possibilities other than what you've been told! Come on! It'll be fun! FRIDAY - NANAIMO: https://www.facebook.com/events/1524895050907059/ SATURDAY - VICTORIA: https://www.facebook.com/events/1465881573482200/ SUNDAY - PORT ALBERNI: https://www.facebook.com/events/395258860858502/ Photo by the legendary @kjpster from our last show at SBC (but please note that this leg of the tour, and the rest of the tour after it, is solo performance Wettworker).